The Kryptonite

Yesterday morning, as I made my first protein shake of the day, I decided that it was time to give the carpets in my house a vigorous cleansing courtesy of my trusty red Bissell vacuum cleaner.

I believe I've mentioned my self-diagnosed OCD in previous blog posts, so the aforementioned thought process should really come as no surprise to any of you. On top of that, the carpets had not been vacuumed since Joey's arrival, meaning the fibers were intertwined with an inordinate amount of cat hair. A nervous facial tick was beginning to form in the corner of my mouth from the mere thought of the amount of filthy matter wedged into my carpet over the course of the last five days.

As I pulled the vacuum cleaner out of an upstairs closet in my office, I passed by a casually napping Joey with his body hugged along a window, looking like a peaceful angel who was secretly plotting my demise.

I quietly transported the vacuum cleaner to the master bedroom to begin my ritualistic cleaning. Yes, I have a systematic order by which I vacuum the rooms of the house - always beginning with the master bath.

Don't judge me!

As I tiptoed down the hallway and distanced myself from Joey, I recalled JM telling me that he had an enormous fear of vacuum cleaners and would often run and hide instantly upon hearing the roaring 12 amp motor of a ferocious carpet cleansing device.

Needless to say that she was absolutely correct.

By the time I finished with the master bedroom and bathroom, the vacuum cleaner and I moseyed our way down the halls and back into my office. As expected Joey was no longer napping window-side and had disappeared. Fifteen minutes later I completed the task at hand and began my search for Joey in earnest.

After operating a search and rescue mission that would make Jack Bauer proud, I ultimately found him hiding under my bed, protecting himself amongst the deep recesses of the shrouded darkness and miscellaneous boxes that had accumulated over the years. It was almost as if Joey had built his own "Fortress of Solitude" behind the tan bed skirt that draped my box spring.

I reached out to Joey with an olive branch. "Come on buddy. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself" I proclaimed in my best impersonation of FDR.

Joey blinked once, yet no other muscle in his body even hinted at making a move.

I decided to leave him be and realized he would return to the public spotlight once he was comfortable that all "danger" was no more.

When Joey finally returned back to my office, with his head on a swivel like a furry little Hines Ward after an Ed Reed interception, I glanced at the clock and realized that over five hours had transpired since the vacuum cleaner was powered down.

You've tipped your hand, Joe. I now know your weakness.

The Wet Spot

On Tuesday night, I had to leave the house for a group study session with some fellow students in the McCombs MBA program. JM was still at work, and thus Joey was designated to be left home alone in my abode for the first time in his life. To say I was a bit nervous about having a strange animal wander through my tidy quarters unsupervised would be akin to saying that Sidney Prescott was nervous every time the phone rang in her Woodsboro, CA home (That's an obscure "Scream" reference for those of you who haven't seen it or don't waste your precious hippocampus with obscure movie trivia.)

I left the house for a few hours and upon my return did not see JM’s car in the garage. Thus, I knew that Joey had been left alone for the entire duration of my absence. As I parked my car and gathered my belongings, I began to envision the whirlwind of destruction awaiting me, sort of like a post-apocalyptic Mad Max landscape with Joey dressed in a leather jacket wielding a pistol.

I proceeded to slowly open the door between the garage and the house. As its squeaky hinges creaked, I softly whispered, “Joey? Where are you? Is everything ok?”

Within an instant, I heard a delicate meowing emanating from upstairs. I dropped my belongings in the hallway and marched forward to investigate. What I saw was a forlorn feline sitting in the darkness of the night and looking at me with eyes of abandon.

Relieved by the seeming lack of damage, I strutted back downstairs to unpack my laptop and to put it back in its rightful place on the countertop dividing the breakfast area and the living room. As I approached the designated computer spot, laptop en tow, the cold, hard tile beneath my feet quickly turned into the wet, cold, hard tile, with a mysterious liquid spreading between my toes.

The first thought to course through my mind, before my eyes even had a chance to gaze at the ground, was “did this fucking cat just pee on my floor????”

Just then, my neck snapped downwards in one foul swoop, and I found before me an enormous puddle of liquid all over the ground. I glanced to my left and saw that Joey’s food bowl had been knocked over and its contents were scattered all over the white tile floor, as if a young child had just received a brand new puzzle and tossed all of the jagged pieces on a small coffee table. Curiously enough, however, Joey’s water bowl remained upright, albeit with a tiny amount of liquid housed within.

Like a good crime scene investigator, I tried to comprehend the sight before me. I took a few steps back and just gazed at the entire area, soaking in every detail. After a few seconds (and an embarrassingly quick sniff of the spilled liquid on the ground), I came to the conclusion that somehow Joey tipped over his water bowl, leading to a flash flood within a five-foot radius. However, I was confused as to why the water bowl was still upright but the food bowl was knocked over.

It was almost as if Joey had inadvertently knocked the water bowl over earlier that evening and thought to himself, “Meow meow. The tall brown anal guy will kill me if he knows I spilled water everywhere. I know. I’ll make it look like the water bowl has a crack or hole in it and he won’t blame me. In fact, I’ll knock my food container over so he will think I slipped in the puddle and slid into it, thereby sprinkling kitty chow everywhere! He’ll feel sorry for me thinking I injured myself due to HIS negligence! Meow.”

Having realized Joey's modus operandi, I then dutifully picked up the water bowl to inspect it for structural integrity flaws, but found nothing.

I then yelled at Joey upstairs, “I’m on to your little game, you rascal! You thought you’d get away with it, didn’t you?” sounding like an old-timey detective from a random 1940s mystery flick.

He just sat in silence at the top of the stairs, enveloped by the dimness of the witching hour. I knew that his lack of purring or meowing was a sure sign of guilt.

Joey had just been caught, wet-handed.

The Almost Bite

So this morning I was getting ready to hit the road for an out-of-town business meeting. As I showered and got dressed, Joey sprawled out on his back with his belly exposed in the master bathroom.

I recalled JM telling me that anytime Joey got into this most vulnerable of positions, it meant that he wanted to have his enormous brown belly rubbed. I decided to oblige this request and gave his stomach a firm rubdown that would make any masseuse proud.

Joey flopped back and forth from his left side to his right side (testing the tensile strength of my floorboards with him), as I've learned he is prone to do when he gets his belly rubbed. Suddenly, I glanced at the clock and realized I was running a tad late.

While continuously stroking Joey's tummy, I found myself lost in a dream state. I began contemplating how I would possibly explain that I was tardy for a meeting because I was "rubbing the cat's belly." It simply sounded like a euphemism for an activity in which a man with a healthy sex drive indulges in from time to time!

(Note to self - submit the phrase "rubbing the cat's belly" to urbandictionary.com)

Then, it suddenly happened.

I have replayed the incident over and over in my mind all day, much like my very own personal Zapruder film.

Joey's front two paws delicately reached out and clamped onto my unsuspecting wrist.

Then Joey's diminutive, yet hauntingly menacing, mouth opened wider than Tila Tequila's legs after two shots of Stoli. And just like that his sharp fangs, dripping with saliva, became visible.

Joey's neck, fat rolls and all, slowly and smoothly craned towards my hand as I innocently continued to rub his belly while my mind was lost in its own personal Narnia. Suddenly, my eyes caught a glimmer of light off of his sharp incisors, which nearly blinded me.

It was like a slow motion clip from a horror movie.

I was just about to suffer a puncture wound from Joey's terrifying teeth when I pulled my hand back in abject horror, jumped to my feet, and yelled, "Joey! What the fuck, dude?!?!?!?!"

And just like that Joey jumped on all fours and scurried away as if he had just been the victim of a domestic abuse situation.

Then I yelled at him, "Hey! I'm the victim here, buddy!"

For the next ten minutes as I gathered myself to leave the house, I continued to orally berate Joey for his horrible behavior. (The "orally" part was in case JM or the people at PETA happen to read this)

I quickly emailed JM on my way out the door and told her how my worst nightmare had nearly come true. You see, I've always had a fear that Joey would bite me one day. This stems back to my great dislike for animals. Firstly, they are beastly creatures that fear nothing and live at the lowest level of "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs." All they care about is where they'll get their next meal, no matter whether it is store-bought or the flesh of another being. This is compounded with the fact that I was once bitten by a snake in fifth grade and forced to take to crutches because my ankle swelled to the size of a grapefruit. Now you see why my fears of a feline attack are both rational and well-founded (despite JM's audibly enhanced protests).

Needless to say, JM called me while I was on the road and explained to me that when you rub Joey's belly sometimes he wants to "take the roughhousing to the next level" and tries to give you a "playful bite on the hand." She said that if you remove your hand and scold Joey, he will come back and lick your hand, which is supposed to be his way of making ammends.

I told JM I did not stick around for anything more after the "almost bite" and sought safer shelter immediately.

When JM asked if I was alright, I stated that I would be fine.

However, this is a warning to you Joey (as if you're reading this blog on your own little "catberry" Oh goodness that was a horrible pun. I apologize to all 3 of you readers). I let my guard down a little too easily yesterday and started to actually enjoy having a furry creature run wild in my kingdom.

I won't be letting my guard down that easily again for a long, long time.

In the illustrious words of our former President, "fool me once, shame on you. fool me... you can't get fooled again."

Seriously folks... how did that buffoon get two terms?!?!?!?

The Litter Box

We're going to have to rethink the placement of this litter box.

Twice this morning Joey has gone to use the restroom in the downstairs closet and both times he has left a trail of gravel all over the tile upon finishing his business.

After the first time I grabbed my handy dustbuster and eliminated the particles, followed by a thorough moping of the floor on my hands and knees.

Two hours later it happened again.

If this keeps up, I'll be spending more time on all fours than Jenna Jameson.

Ultimately, we're going to have to find a new location for this litter box, because currently it is in a high traffic area (by the closet at the foot of the stairs). Every time I walk by it, I get loose gravel stuck in my feet.

Then I get agitated.

Then I dream up sequences of Joey meeting his untimely demise...

The Arrival

"Houston, we have a problem..."

Joey has landed.

That's right. Joey made his arrival last night, with quite a bit of confusion and fear... on both the cat's part as well as my own.

As Joey's four paws made their first contact with the new residential terrain, my girlfriend (henceforth referred to as "Joey's Mom" or "JM" for short) began preparing our home for his extended stay.

Firstly, a new litter box was placed in the downstairs hall closet. This was the only place we agreed we could keep the litter box while minimizing damage to the carpets. What damage, you ask? Well, I have recently learned that when a cat enters a litter box, more often than not leftover gravel (or whatever the filler in a litter box is called) gets caked in its feet and gets left in its wake as it confidently leaves the box feeling a few ounces lighter. I wanted to keep that gravel on tile floor, as opposed to carpeting, so that it would be easier to clean. Hence the placement of the litter box in the downstairs hall closet, which is surrounded by tile. Plus, we live in the deep South, where nary a coat is ever really necessary. Thus the closet is actually just a storage space for my dress shoes and nothing more.

After getting the litter matter squared away, JM positioned separate food and water bowls in the entranceway between the kitchen and the game room, with a small black mat underneath them to catch food that didn't quite make it into Joey's mouth. Next, a small bed was placed in the living room for Joey to relax on while we all watched TV, or a movie, or played video games.

The house was finally prepared for Joey. However, he had no desire to accommodate us by laying in his bed. Instead, he decided to take to the carpets and explore his new domain like a feline Ferdinand Magellan. He idly scampered throughout the kitchen, game room, living room and the upstairs hallways (I shut the doors to the master bedroom and my office so he had no access to them, yet) as JM and I ate dinner and watched the Cavaliers play the Heat on NBATV.

After dinner I decided to retire to my upstairs office for some reading for school (I'm currently in an evening MBA program that takes up all of my free time after work each night). JM decided to take to her new favorite passion, watching "Friday Night Lights" via PS3 streaming from Netflix.

About 15 minutes into reading about "wait times in service queues" for my "Operations Management" course, I heard a purring at the closed door of my office. I then heard JM shout from downstairs "He just wants to hang out with you! Is that ok?"

I hesitantly obliged Joey's desire by opening the door, and for the first time he had access to my office. Once again Joey took to 17th century explorer mode and visited every nook and cranny of the room, rubbing his brown furry body on every wall along the way. Meanwhile, I dug back into my dense reading for the night and tried to ignore the 4,000lb. elephant (err... cat) in the room. Did I mention Joey is the fattest cat I've seen in my entire life. Like Guinness Book of World Records fat? Like making Ralphie May look like Calista Flockhart in comparison, fat?

Anyways, about five minutes later I heard a soft purring at my feet and looked down, only to see Joey on just his hind legs attempting to lunge at me. I quickly leaned back in my chair startled by the sight of a large beast before me, only to find Joey climb on my lap and make himself comfortable.

Yeah, yeah... cue the "awwwwww"

Well, not me.

"Oh great," I exclaimed aloud.

For the next 30 minutes, Joey proceeded to take a nap on my lap while I read my book. I decided to let him remain as opposed to tossing his body across the room like a Frisbee (albeit a very heavy and hairy Frisbee). I came to the realization that if we were ever going to coexist peacefully, it would be better if he actually took a shining to me. Thus despite my better judgement, his sharp nails (more on that later) and the fact that he was crushing my poor innocent thighs, I let him fall asleep on my lap as I read. Nevertheless, I continued to have this feeling that he was lulling me into a false sense of security while plotting my death so that he and JM could live alone in my home.

Finally, Joey tired of me and frolicked to the ground and out of the room. I continued reading until JM came upstairs to check on me. It was then that Joey followed into the room once more, and JM realized that Joey's nails needed clipping for fear of getting stuck in the carpet.

Then things got real.

JM asked me, "Do you have any nail clippers?"

I looked at her sternly and quickly barked, "What for?" knowing exactly what she was about to say.

When she explained that she wanted to give Joey a manicure, I was mortified. Having a cat live in my home was one thing, but sharing hygienic supplies with him was an entirely different matter. Did I mention that Joey has feline AIDS?

Doesn't this cat just get better and better the more you learn about him?

Yeah, it's a real disease, but apparently not transferable to humans, though rather damaging to cats. For years I was hoping to simply "wait out Joey" but I recently came to the realization that he is the Magic Johnson of the feline world and will probably outlive us all.

Now back to the matter at hand... the nail clippers. I hesitated at first (as you can see why), until JM pointed out that I have never once used my nail clippers and that I have a nervous habit of tearing at my own nails, thus rendering the tool useless to me. When I realized she was right, I decided to oblige and let Joey have the nail clippers, knowing that I would never consider using them on my own nails now that they were tainted with "feline cooties."

Yeah, I'm a five-year old boy trapped inside of a 32-year old man's body.

After giving Joey's paws a fresh makeover, JM decided she was ready to go to bed. This was when I broke the sobering news to her. You see, JM was used to sleeping with Joey every night at her house. However, I had no desire of sharing a bed with an animal and explained as such. JM surprisingly understood where I was coming from, and we decided that we would ferberize Joey.

JM explained to me that Joey desperately like to be around people, and if he was aware that we were behind a closed door, he would likely sit at the door and whimper and cry until he got his way... much like a baby. So we decided to let him cry all night long as we slept, in an effort to train him to get used to the notion of sleeping alone.

Since I was not tired yet, I left JM to sleep and shut the bedroom door. Unfortunately, my bedroom door doesn't remain shut tight, instead it always opens a small crack unless you actually lock it from the inside, which JM could not do because I was going to be downstairs reading my textbook for a little while and coming to bed later that night. So as I trotted down the stairs, I hoped Joey would not be smart enough to fling his massive gut into the door and realize it could be opened while JM slept.

Needless to say my hopes were dashed.

About an hour later I finished up my reading and decided to retire to bed. I looked around for Joey but could not find him. I went upstairs and checked my office. Nothing but tumbleweed in a desert of empty space.

Then I feared the worst. I saw that my bedroom door was open a bit more than I had left it. I slowly entered my bedroom and squinting through the darkness I was able to make out Joey laying comfortably on my side of the bed as JM unknowingly slept nearby.

It was as if he was smirking at me with a, "whatchu gonna do about it old man?" look in his beady little eyes.

What I proceeded to do was throw quite a little hissyfit.

I tried to shoo Joey off the bed, but to no avail. All of my racket awoke JM, and she immediately identified the situation. She picked Joey up and tossed him on the ground in one foul swoop. He went scampering towards the exit as I chased him out of the bedroom and locked the door behind him.

For the next 10 minutes he continuously scratched at the door and cried to be let in. JM fell asleep again pretty quickly, and as I fell asleep I thought... "I survived the first night."

Now some of you may think I'm a cold heartless bastard for leaving Joey sad and alone outside my bedroom door all night, but there was no way I was going to share a bed with him. Having him in my home is one thing. Having him in my bed is an entirely different matter that I'm not ready to handle quite yet.

Day 1... in the books.

Let's see how day 2 goes, when Joey and I spend our first day together alone...

The Background

So my girlfriend and I have decided to move in together. To clarify, my girlfriend will be moving into my house.

The problem?

My girlfriend owns a cat named Joey who will be moving into my home as well.

The other problems?

Let's see... where do I begin?

Firstly, to say I have a dislike towards the notion of having a pet in my home is akin to exclaiming Michael Jackson wasn't quite happy with his nose in 1983. Plainly put, I have an abhorrence for animals. More specifically, I have a disdain for dogs, a contempt for cats, a repulsion towards reptiles... I think you get my drift.

On top of that, I have severe OCD which causes me to constantly fret over the cleanliness and tidiness of my home. The thought of having a creature shedding hair and tracking dirt on my immaculate carpets is horrifying to say the least.

Joey and I are already off to a great start, no?

To make matters worse (as if that was even remotely possible), I work from home while my girlfriend has a more traditional office job that often causes her to work late hours. Thus I will be spending all of my mornings, afternoons, and much of my evenings alone with Joey, my new archnemesis.

"Alone with Joey." Sound like famous last words to me, if ever there were any.

This blog serves to record the trials and travails of the relationship that Joey and I will forge as we attempt to cohabitate peacefully in the same small home.

The journey begins tonight as my girlfriend brings Joey to my home (correction, "our home" - it will take some time to get used to that idea) for the first time.

How will I react? How will Joey handle the transition?

My girlfriend is already scared that I will "accidentally" sit on the cat while it lays on the couch, in a Chrissy Moltisanti situation (without the copious amounts of heroin in my system).

Stay tuned...